It's not working!! I can't take it anymore

Wife left a note on the fridge....
"It's not working!! I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my Mom's place !!"
Hubby opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold... "seems to be working fine... 

No idea what was she talking about?!?!"

************************

 

An intelligent wife is one who spends so much that her husband can't afford another woman.
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Cool message by a woman: Dear mother-in-law,"don't teach me how to handle my children,I'm living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement."
**************************

A kid was beaten by his mom.
Dad came home and asked, What happened son??
Kid said, can't adjust with your wife anymore, I need my own.?
**************************

In an African safari, a lion suddenly bounced on wife.
Wife: Shoot him! Shoot him!
Husband: Yes, yes. I'm changing the battery in my camera..
****************************

What is the difference between mother and wife?
One woman brings you into this world crying and the other ensures you continue to do so.

Height of Flirting

Gal calls a boy :
Girl: Hello baby
Boy: Ohh janu bolo
Girl: Kahan ho yar subah se koi ata pata nahi!
Boy: Are hum to khoye hue hain aapki aankhon me..
Girl: Abhi kya kar rahe ho?
Boy: tumhari pic dekh raha hun, kahin aur man hi nahi lag raha..
Girl: Maine to tumhe koi pic di hi nahi!!
Boy: Are mere dil me chapi hai barson se..
Girl: But hum to parson hi mile hain!!
Boy: Tumhare bina har ek pal barson hai Pinky......
Girl: Pinky??!! Ye pinky kaun hai ??
main to nisha hun!!
Boy: Tumse bat karke mai to sab bhul jata hun..
Girl: Tum prashant ho na??
Boy: Gharwale to aseem bulate
hain, lekin wo galat ho sakte hain
tum nahi..
Girl: Ye 998XXXXXX hai na??
Boy: Ab tak nahi tha par ab se
yehi hai…

Loving Relationship With Your Husband...

There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.

The women were asked, ‘How many of you love your husbands?’
All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, ‘When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?’ 

Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn’t remember.

The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text: I love you, sweetheart.
Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages.

Here are some of the replies:

1. Who is this??

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?

3. I love you too.

4. What now? Did you crash the car again?

5. I don’t understand what you mean?

6. What did you do now? I won’t forgive you this time.

7. ?!?

8. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

9. Am I dreaming?

10. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I asked you not to drink anymore. I’ll leave if you are tired of me??

Eye Opener ..

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy..

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can
get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.. X_X =))

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.....

Pleasure doing Business with you all..

A Successful Businessman walks into a bank  & asks for a Rs. 50,000 loan. The bank asks for Security & the guy hands over the keys & documents of his 7-Series BMW which is parked on the street in front of the bank.

After all necessary checks the bank agrees to grant him the loan. 

The bank's President & all officers enjoy a good "laugh".. For this man who used a 1 crore BMW as collateral against a Small Loan of Rs. 50000.

The car was parked in the banks garage safely. 

2 months later the guy returns & repays Rs. 50,000 & the interest which comes to Rs. 1250. 

The loan officer says, Sir v r very happy to do this transaction, but we r a little puzzled, while u were away, we checked u out & found that u r a "MULTIMILLIONAIRE", then why did u bother to borrow 50,000?? 


The man replies, where else I  can park my car for 2 months for only 1250 and expect it to be there when I return??

The businessman smiles & says..
Pleasure doing Business with you all....

A successful marriage is based on ....

A successful marriage is based on GIVE & TAKE :
Husband gives money, 

gifts, dresses & 

wife takes it...
Wife gives 

advice, lecture, tension 

& husband takes it...!

How marriage works!

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.
The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, honey bunch?' asked the wife.

I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'
She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries:Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar..u know...they hav frozen glasses'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,-'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes..tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise.. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?'
She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps,pork strips, etc.
 

'But my sweet honey..At the bar..u know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, you bastard?
Drink your fucking beer in your damn frozen mug and eat your shitty snacks, bcz you hav got married now, and you aren't going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?'

so he stayed home.
and, they lived happily ever after..

Baby - Sleeping with Mom/Dad

The Wonderful Husband..

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you really like it.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2012
Models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: '$98,000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price make sure it comes with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house I wanted last year
is back on the market. They're asking $950,000.'

MAN: 'well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They will
probably take it. If not, go the extra 50 thousand if you think it's
really a pretty good price.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much! You’re so generous!'

MAN: “You’re worth it. 'Bye!'

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him
in astonishment, with mouths agape.

The wonderful husband turns and asks: "Anybody knows whose phone this is?"

Bottle of Wine!

(Women will LOVE this one!)

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.

The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' She hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.


The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No.. I think now I'll just wait for the police...'


MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever n smart creations of God.

Learn to pay attention..

1st yr MBBS students were attending their 1st anatomy class. They all gathered around the table with real dead body.

The professor started the class by telling them two important qualities as a doctor.The 1st is that never be disgusted about anything regarding the body e.g he inserted his finger in the body's ass & on drawing back,put the finger in his own mouth & tasted it.Then he told the students to do the same.

The students hesitated for several minutes.But eventually everyone inserted their fingers in the body's ass & tasted it.

When everyone finished the professor looked at them & said:The most important 2nd quality is Observation. 

I inserted my middle finger but tasted the index finger.Now learn to pay attention
All students : shitt !! :0

Which soap do u use!

Dr: Which soap do u use?
Santa: Bajrang da Neem wala sabun, 

:)Dr: Which paste?
Santa: Bajrang da Ayurvedic paste, 

:)Dr: Shampoo?
Santa: Bajrang da Herbal shampoo.

:)Dr: Hair oil?
Santa: Bajrang da Amla tel...

Dr: Is Bajrang a MultiNational Company Brand or a popular local company In your Punjab ?

:)Santa: No Dr.,

Bajrang is my room-mate.... :

Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia?

*Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia?
 The mafia wants either ur money or ur life The wives want both !

*Marriage is like a public toilet . Those waiting outside are desperate to get in & Those inside are desperate to come out.
 
*No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied with 4 things in life:
(1) Mobile
(2) Automobile
(3) TV
(4) Wife
Because, there is always a better model in the neighborhood.


*Searching these keywords on Google `How to tackle wife?`
Google search result, "Good day sir, Even we are searching".

*Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right. It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!

 *Whiskey is a brilliant invention. One double and you start feeling single again.

*A friend recently explained, why he refuses to get married.
He says, "The wedding rings look like a miniature handcuffs".

*It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she love the most; and when a man does that the slide show begins.

*It takes thousand workers 2 build a castle, Million soldiers to protect a country, but just One woman 2 make a Happy Home A Good Maid!

*Funny quote on a husband`s T-Shirt:
All girls are devils,
but my wife is the queen of them.

Why my wife loves a rose which dies in a day..

Why my wife loves a rose 

which dies in a day 

 But doesn't love me 

who dies for her every day?

 .......

God replied:- very Nice !!

 Put this on FACEBOOK....

Special Valentine message for all..

Special Valentine message for all 

On This Valentine Day 

Take resolution

 To save

 The Nature, plants & Trees

Avoid Roses

  Use Diamonds''

Intensity Of Love Of A Girl Towards A Boy..

The Rate Of Change Of Intensity Of 

Love Of A Girl Towards A Boy

 Is Directly Proportional 

To The Instantaneous 

Bank Balance Of The Boy 

And The Direction Of 

This Love Is Same To 

As Increment Or Decrement

 Of The Bank Balance.

Define love..

Question: Define LOVE and explain in detail? (10 marks)

Answer: MBA Student's Ans. Love is life. (marks 1/2 out of 10)

Medical Student's Ans. Love is pain. (marks 1/2 out of 10)

Engineering Student's Ans. . . . . .

Definition: A serious disorder of heart due to relationship between men & women that can cause death of 1 or both depending on the resistance associated

TYPES: 1 sided & 2 sided

AGE: Usually occurs in teenagers but now days can be found in any age

SYMPTOMS: Tension Daydreaming Insomnia Phone Addiction

DIAGNOSIS BY: Diary Photos Mobile

TREATMENT: Anti-LOVE therapy by Father's Shoe or Mother's Sandal...... (marks 10 out of 10) 






MORAL: Don't play with engineers, they can do anything for 10 marks.

Installing a Husband..

A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy..

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such
as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0,MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1 . Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed

,.......................

.
Reply...
DEAR Madam,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command:
ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5..
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all yoursystem resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!
IT SUPPORT DESK.....