Brilliant Answers by a Student who got 0% Marks..

Brilliant Answers by a Student who got 0% Marks..

Q.1- In which battle did Tipu Sultan Died ?..

Ans.- In his Last Battle..

Q.2- Where was the Declaration of Independence Signed ?..

Ans.- At the Bottom of the Page..

Q.3- What is the Main Reason for Divorce ?..

Ans.- Marriage..

Q.4- Ganga Flows in which State ?..

Ans.- Liquid State..

Q.5- When was Mahatma Gandhi Born ?..

Ans.- On His Birthday..

Q.6- How will you Distribute 8 Mangoes among 6 People ?..

Ans.- By Preparing Mango Shake..!!

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Geography Teacher:

India Me salbhar Sabse Zayda Baraf Kaha Girti Hai...???

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Awesome Reply By Student:- 

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"Daaru K Glass Me..."

How many days do you work ?

Am Looking out for a New Job !!!!

After 2 years of selfless service, I realized that I had not been promoted, no salary increment, no commendation.
So I decided to walk up to my HR Manager. The manager looked at me, smiled and asked me to sit down saying: "My friend you have not worked here for even a single day."

I was shocked to hear this !!!, but the manager went on to explain, and here's the conversation that took place.

Manager: How many days are there in a year?

Me: 365 days and sometimes 366.

Manager: How many hours make up a day?

Me: 24 Hours.

Manager: How long do u work in a day?

Me: 10am to 6pm
(i.e 8 hours a day.)

Manager: So, what fraction of the day do u work in hours?

Me: 8/24
i.e 1/3 (one third).

Manager: This is nice of u! what is 1/3rd of 366 days?

Me: 122
(1/3 x 366=122 days)

Manager: Do u come to work on weekends?

Me: No sir.

Manager: How many days are there in a year that are weekends?

Me: 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days.

Manager: Thanks for that. If u remove 104 days from 122 days. how many days
do u now have?

Me: 18 days.

Manager: I do give u 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that 14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do u have remaining?

Me: 4 days.

Manager: Do u work on Republic Day?

Me: No sir!

Manager: Do u come to work on Independence Day?

Me: No sir!

Manager: So how many days r left?

Me: 2 days Sir!

Manager: Do u come to work on New Years Day?

Me: No sir!

Manager: So how many days r left?

Me: 1 day sir!

Manager: Do u work on Diwali ?

Me: No Sir!

Manager: So how many days are left?

Me: None Sir!

Manager: So what r u claiming?

Me: I have understood, Sir. I did not realise that I was stealing company
money all these days.

Moral - NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!!
(HR-HIGH RISK.)

Husband and Wife

An Angry Wife To Her Husband 0n Phone:"Where d Hell Are You ...?"
Husband: Darling You Remember That Jewellery Shop Where You Saw The
Diamond Necklace n Totally Fell In Love With It n I Didn't Have Money That Time n I said "Baby It'll Be Yours 1 Day ... "O:)
Wife, With A Smile & Blushing: Yeah I Remember That My Love!
Husband: I ‘m in the Pub Just Next To That ShopWife drinking WHISKEY,


     

Wife asked "Tum kaun ho?" 
Husband- "Pagal ho gayi ho kya? Apne husband ko bhool gayi? "
Wife: "Nasha har gum bhula deta hai "Bhaisaab"..!!Irony of life....



Wife- I am too fed up of your daily fights and I just wanna divorce ..
Hb- Ok but first take dis chocolate ..
Wf emotionaly- so u don't want me to go, manaa rahe ho mujhe chocolate deke.
Hb- Nahi, maa kehti hai, kuch shubh kaam karne se pehle, kuch meetha khana chahiye.. Kaam achchha hota hai.




Few marriage humors will make you laugh-----`Enjoyable`:-
1. Quote on a man’s T-shirt: All women are devils... But my wife is QUEEN of them!

2. Man was sent on earth to suffer...Women was sent to make sure it happens!

3. A man asked for poison. Chemist refused, since it required prescription.He showed his Marriage Certificate.

4. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, And other is husband!
 
5. Husband & Wife always compromise.Husband always admits that he is wrong, and wife agrees with him.

6. Husband & wife had a long argument. Wife concluded: See dear; do you want to WIN
or be HAPPY?
 
7. A man speaks 25000 words daily, a woman speaks 30000 words. Problem starts when husband comes from office after finishing his 25000, & wife starts her quota of 30000 words!
 
8. Boy: My dad is billionaire & 93-years old. He will die soon. Will you marry me? Girl: NO.
A week later she became his step-mother.
Moral: Don’t give ideas to girls.

9. Two things in life are difficult to achieve:
(1) to plant your idea in someone’s head, &
(2) to plant somebody’s money in your pocket.
* He who succeeds in the 1st, we call him TEACHER;
* He who succeeds in the 2nd, we call him GOVERNMENT;
* The one who succeeds in both, we call WIFE; &
* The one who fails in both, we call HUSBAND!
 
10. Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It Means-Worries Invited For Ever... Wife: No; it means- With Idiot For Ever !!!
 
11. No one teaches a volcano how to erupt... No one teaches a tsunami how to arise… No one teaches a hurricane how to sway around... No one teaches a man how to choose a wife… Natural Disasters just happen…!!!

12. Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia? The mafia wants either or money or life...The wives want both!
 
13. Searching these keywords on Google 'How to tackle wife?' Google search result, 'Good day sir, Even we are searching'.

14. Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right. It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!

 
15. Whisky is a brilliant invention… One double and you start feeling single again.
 
16. American: In India, do you guys call your wives ‘HONEY’ in your native language?
Indian: Oh no; we call them BEE-BEE… they sting twice as hard as HONEY BEE…!!!


IF UR IN LOVE:
- Make the best of it.
- Don't doubt anythng.
- Enjoy it bcoz nothing lasts 4ever.

IF U JUST BROKE UP:
- Don't cry! Remembr that u had a gud time.
- Nvr stay alne! Ur friends are Der.
- Hug more people.
- Stop listening to sad music! It only make things worse.

IF UR SINGLE:
- Stay happy:)
- Hang out with friends and family.
- Try looking 4 sumeone who you think is da best for u.

IF UR MARRIED:
-Game over just delete dis msg n get back to sleep

 
Defination of a Holiday ?
Holiday is a day when a man stops doing what his boss wants and starts doing what his wife wants...


Girl:Will u marry me?
Santa:No hmare yaha shadi srf relatves m hoti h.
Papa ne Mummy se ki,didi ne jiju se,baiya ne bhabi se ki.Me b apne Biwi se hi krunga.!!



Wife: Aapko meri khoobsurati zayada achi lagti hai ya aqalmandi?
Husband: Mujhey to tumhari ye mazaaq ki aadat bahut achi Lagti Hai..


Getting Bored??? Need sum adventure in life?
Go to a stranger's wedding and scream.... 'Don't marry dear.... ' I still love you'!!!


One economical thought: 'D best line wich helps 2 save money wen going on dinner wid ur gf/wife- . . . "bol kya khayegi MOTI..?

A boys calls her ex

Boy : hey i jus saw a muvie, it reminded me of u......miss u

Gal : awwwww .....even i miss u......kaunsi muvie dekhi

Boy : ek thi daayan


An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son-in-law, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son-in-law. 'Yes, Dad, what is it?'

'Don't be nervous son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well...... if something happens to me, your mother in law is going to come and live with you.'

The surgery was a great success



Wife Calls hubby...

Wife: Kya Kar Rahe Ho?

Hubby: Office Mein Hoon, Bohat Busy Hoon aur Tum Kya Kar Rahi Ho?

Wife: KFC Mein Tumhare Peeche Bachon K Saath Bethi Hu Aur Bacche Pooch Rahe Hain K Papa K Saath Konsi BHUA Bethi Hain?

Little Johnny

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his Kg. class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

Chhod Do Nasha, Aao Mere Sath...

"Cheeta Cigarette Ka Kash Lagane Hi Wala Tha, Ki achanak Chuha Wahan Aaya aur Bola, Bhai Chhod Do Nasha, Aao Mere Sath,

Dekho Jungle Kitna Khubsurat Hai.... Cheetah Chuhe Ke Sath Chal Diya.

Aage Hathi Cocaine Le Raha Tha, Chuha Fir Bola, Bhai Chhod Do Nasha, Aao Mere Sath, Dekho Jungle Kitna Khubsurat Hai. Hathi Bhi Sath Chal Diya.

Aage Sher  beer Peene Ki Tayari Kar Raha Tha, Chuhe Ne Usse Bhi Woi Kaha....

Sher Ne Glass Side Par Rakha Aur Chuhe Ko 5-6 Thappad Mare....

Hathi Bola: Kyun Maar Rahe Ho Is Bechare Ko?

Sher Bola: Ye Saala Roz whisky peekar Aise Hi Sabko Puri Raat Jungle Ghumata Hai."

Pappu Pinki

Pappu pinki ko pasand karta hai aur pinki pappu k bhai ko,
lekin pappu k bhai ko pinki ki behan achi lagti hai
aur pinki ki behan pappu ko pasand karti hai.

Halaki pappu pehle hi pinki ko chahta ha.

Ab jab k pinki ko pappu acha nahin lagta aur pappu ka bhai pinki k liya razi nai hai aur pappu pinki ki behan se pyar nahin karta jab k pinki ki behan ko pappu ka bhai acha nahin lagta.

To ye unka personal problem hua, aap kyu apna dimag kharab karte ho..

Do u know the Meanings of these words???

News = North East West South. 

Chess = Chariot, Horse, Elephant, Soldiers

Cold =Chronic Obstructive Lung Disease.

Joke =Joy of Kids Entertainment.

Aim =Ambition in Mind.

Date =Day and Time Evolution.

Eat =Energy And Taste.

Tea =Taste And Energy Admitted.

Pen =Power Enriched in Nib.

Smile =Sweet Memories In Lips Expression.

Bye =Be with You Everytime.

Share these meanings as majority of us don't know these.

Sardaar dekha nahi ki shuru ho jaate hain..

Sonakshi knocks on santa's door:
Kya aapke toothpaste me namak hai?? 

Santa:
Chal bhaag Moti, ab thodi der me poochegi kya aapke shampoo me Chaatmasala hai!!! 

Sardaar dekha nahi ki shuru ho jaate hain

...............................................................

Santa to Son: "maths vich fail kyu hoya"..
Son: 1st day teacher kendi 5+3=8..
Agle din kendi 6+2=8..
fir kendi 4+4=8
ullu di pathi khud confusd hai menu ki padaeygi.

.................................................................

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

In London: A customer asked, "Do you have "Sarson Da Tel???"
The shopkeeper says "Are you a Sardar???"

The guy, clearly offended says,
"Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Olive Oil, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?


Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?


Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?

The shopkeeper says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Sarson Da Tel, why did you ask if I am a Sardar???"

The shopkeeper replied,
Because, you're in a "WINE SHOP !!!" :P
.................................................................



Santa akhrot bech raha tha

Banda ne pocha ye khane se kya hota he

Santa.::: dimagh tez hota he

Banta : kese?

Santa: Acha ye batao 1 kilo chaawel me kitny danay hoty he

Banta:: pata nahi

Santa ne usko akhrot khilaya' or bola,; batao 1dzn me kitne kele hote he

Banta: 12
Santa: dekha dimagh tez howa

Banta; 1 kilo de do

What a woman looks like after she has given up salon and shopping....

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.

"No, I don't waste time shopping", the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?", the woman asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and myself tonight.

The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, salon and wine..

TALENT v/s GOD's GIFT

TALENT v/s GOD's GIFT

Men can give lecture on
ANY SUBJECT for 2 hours is TALENT.

Women can give lecture for 2hours
WITHOUT ANY SUBJECT is God's gift X_X=))

A Cockroach's Last Golden Words to a Man who is just about to Kill it

A Cockroach's Last Golden Words

to a Man who is just about to Kill it:

"Go ahead & Kill Me, u Coward Man!

U r Jealous of Me

bcoz ur Wife is Afraid of Me &

Not Afraid of You!"

Take the test..

Take the test. 


Be HONEST
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?













Answer:
"bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else.. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said bread, go to Question 2


2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink? 























 
Answer:
Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3...


3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from? 














 

Answer:
Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why the hell are you still reading these?? If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.


4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane crashes from 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into East and West Germany) Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or "no man's land"?












Answer: You don't bury survivors, you idiot!!! If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.


5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from Mumbai to Pune. In Mumbai , 17 people get on, in Pune , 16 get off. Name the driver.
















 

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!

Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you..

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions..

Kesa lagta hai jab

Kesa lagta h jab
Barasti barish me
Hawa k jhoko k sang
Khamosi se Chalte hue
Koi apka hath tham k dhire se keh de....
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"GATAR che......joyine chalje

If you feel overloaded with Work.....

If u feel overloaded with Work...

Immediately go to the nearest "Biological Anxiety Relief" (BAR) center

& place order for any one or more of the following Antidotes:

1: Work Isolating Neutralizing Extract (WINE) 

2: Radioactive Un-work Medicine (RUM)

3: Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER)

4: Vaccino Officio Depression Killing Antigen (VODKA).




 
This is issued in public interest by "Buddies for Eradication of Work Disease Association (BEWDA)

Whenever an intelligent man makes any imp decision..

Whenever an intelligent man makes any imp decision,

He closes his eyes,
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Thinks a lot,
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Listens to his heart,
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Uses his head & FINALLY
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DOES WHAT HIS WIFE SAYS:):):)

Height of Corporate Pressure..

A COMPANY employee went to TOILET.

As soon as he sat on the seat ,On the front wall this was written:

"Had you put the same pressure at work, company's targets would have been achieved today"

A lady visited a bar for the first time..

A lady visited a bar for d first time,

 she sat on the table in front of d bartender
A guy at her left side ordered, "Jack Daniels, Single"
A guy at her right side ordered "Johnny Walker single". 

The Bartender looked at the lady & said "and you..."? 

Lady replied "Pushpa Pandey, Married"

Travel Allowance Bill..

After the war, Hanumanji submitted his Trvl. Allwnce. Bill for his official tour for collecting Sanjeevani Booti to Ayodhya administration. 

 

The Auditor in Bill section raised 3 objections:
(1) Hanumanji did not take prior permission of the appropriate authority (Bharat), the King of Ayodhya, during the relevant time for his travel;
(2) Hanumanji being Grade-D officer was not entitled to air travel;
(3) Hanumanji was asked to bring Sanjeevani Booti, just a single plant, but he carried a whole mountain (unauthorized excess baggage). 

The Auditor returned the bill. King Ram could do nothing except mark it down for re-examination.

A worried Laxman approached the Auditor and offered a bribe of 10% of the T.A. Bill amount. 

 

The Auditor now wrote on the Bill: Re-examined: 

1. Even during the relevant time, Ram was the de-jure king through his Paduka.
2. Further in an emergency, non-entitled officers can be authorized ex-post facto to fly.
3. Also excess baggage is justified as bringing a wrong plant would have entailed multiple journeys with extra cost; hence bill may be paid.

Classic definition of a life partner:

Classic definition of a life partner:
A person who is always there 

to share all the problems,

 which you would't have had 

if you stayed single...

“Its Performance, not Position that Counts !!”

A Priest dies & is waiting in line at heavens gate.

Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.

God to the guy : Who r u ?

Guy : I am a rickshaw driver from Pune.

God : Take this gold robe & enter kingdom of heaven.

God to the Priest : Who r u ?

Priest : I am a priest & spent 40yrs preaching good to people.

God : Take this cotton robe and enter heaven.

Priest : God, how come that foul mouthed, rash driver gets a gold & I spent all my life preaching good get cotton.

God : Results, my son, results.

While you preached, people slept, when he drove, people really prayed...

“Its Performance, not Position that Counts !!”

Movies of School Life......

Classes- Bardasht.
Attendance- Hera pheri.
Class room- No entry.
Teacher- Janidushman.
Exam- Evil dead.
Examiner- Don.
Frnd during paper- Hum aapke hai kaun?
Viva- Encounter.
Marking- Andha kanoon.
Exam time- Qayamat.
Cheating- Lage raho munna bhai.
Question paper- Ek paheli.
Answer paper- Kora kagaj.
Result- Sadma.
pass- Chamatkar.
Fail- Devdas.
Future- Na tum jano na hum.

A teenager's twitter update.

A teenager's twitter update.

Internet was not working last night spent time with family.

They seem to be nice people...

Dedicated to married people...

 

Dost:Biwi se Jhagda Solve hua kya?
Husband:Ghutno pe Chal k Aayi thi Mere Paas..ghutno pe.
Dost: kya baat kar raha hai..
Husband: aur nahi to kya..
Dost:Kya Boli?
Husband:Boli Palang k Neeche se baahar aa jao, Ab Nahi Maarungi

He realized there was Nobody behind the wheel....

This happened in Khandala Ghat near Lonavala during the last monsoon.

A guy was driving from Bombay to Pune and decided not to take the new expressway as he wanted to see the scenery along the old road.

When he reached the mountains his car broke down - he was stranded miles from nowhere.

Having no choice he started walking on the side of the road, hoping to get a lift to the nearest town.

It was dark and rainy.And pretty soon he got wet and Shivering.

The night rolled on and no car passed by.

Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him. It slowed and then stopd next to him - without thinking the guy opened the door and jumped in.

Seated in the back, he leaned forward to thank the person who had saved him.

He realized there was Nobody behind the wheel !!!

Even though there was no one in the front seat and no sound of any engine, the car startd moving slowly.

The guy lookd at the road ahead and saw a curve coming. Scared almost to death he startd to pray, begging the Lord for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeard through the window and moves the wheel! The car made the curve safely and continued on the road to the next bend.

The guy, now paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve and moved the steering wheel just enough to get the car around each bend.

Finally, The guy saw lights ahead. Gathering his courage he wrenched open the door of the silent, slowly moving car, scrambled out and ran as hard as he cud towards the lights.  It was a small town. He stumbled into a restuarant, and askd for a drink, and broke down.

Then he startd talking about the horrible experience he'd just been through. . .

There was dead silence in the restaurant when he stopped talking . . . . .
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Know more
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......and that's when ...

Santa and Banta Singh walked in.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Santa pointed and said: "Look Banta - that's the idiot who got into our car when we were pushing it....

Over smartness can be dangerous....

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked at the door. .

A lady opened it.

Before she could speak, the salesman rushed into the living room and emptied a bag of cow shit on the carpet. 

Salesman: Madam, if I couldn't clean this up in next 3 mins with my new powerful vacuum cleaner, i'll EAT all this Shit! .

Lady: Do u need Chilli Sauce with that?

Salesman: why Madam?

Lady: Because there's no electricity in the house. .

MORAL: Over smartness can be dangerous

ESSAY ON GARIB PARIVAR..

Ek Ameer Ladki ko School me Garib Parivar pe Essay Likhne ko Kahaa Gya.

Essay me usne Likha:

Ek Garib Parivar tha, Pita Garib, Maa Garib, Bachche Garib.  Parivar me 4 Naukar the, wo bhi Gareeb..! :p 

 

Car thi woh bhi Tooti hui SAFARI ..! :D . 

 

Unka Garib Driver Bachon ko Tooti Car me School Chhod K Aata tha..! x) . 

 

Bachon K paas Purane Samsung S3 Mobile the..! :p . 

 

Bache Hafte me 4 bar hi Chicken Khate the..! . 

 

Ghar me 4 hi 2nd Hand A.C. the..! . 

 

Sara Parivar Badi Mushkil se Ash Kar raha tha..

Presentation does matter.....

Two females were chatting in office.

Woman 1: I had a fine evening, how was yours?

Woman 2: It was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 mins & fell asleep in 2 mins. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house. It was like a fairy tale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work,
Husband 1: How was your evening?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate & fell asleep. What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill; so I took her out for dinner which was so expensive that didn't have money left for a cab.
We walked home which took an hour & when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house!!

Moral: Presentation does matter. No matter what the reality is !!=D

COMPLETELY FINISHED..

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that's easy to understand.

 

Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED. 

 

 

I beg to differ because, there is!!! 

 

When you marry the right woman, you are "COMPLETE".. And when you marry the wrong one, you are "FINISHED"!

 

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ...
"COMPLETELY FINISHED" !

Phone A Friend..

The guy is on his final question for 5 crore on 'Kaun Banega Crorepati', and has one lifeline left, 'Phone A Friend', and the Question was:


"Which Bird does not make a nest?"

1: Sparrow
2: Swallow
3: Blackbird
4: Cuckoo

The guy is not sure, so he calls his girlfriend.

She answers, "Stupid, it's obviously a cuckoo, 100%" and the guy wins.





Later the guy calls his girlfriend, "how the hell did you know that, honey?"





I must say you've got more brains than i credit you for!" And the sweet thing replies:






"Well, u idiot, a cuckoo lives in a clock na!"







"The guy faints

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once..

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

The great question which I have not been able to answer is, "What does a woman want?

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

"I've had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't." The third gave me more children!

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming:
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it.
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once..

You know what I did before I married?? Anything I wanted to.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

Never anger your wife…dead or alive....

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. 

 
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table.

Sitting all around were her parents, some of her best friends and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her.

"Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word in 5 seconds," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled 'Love', and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. I married that sexy young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.

I gave her all your gold jewelry and diamonds.
I sold that diamond studded watch you had gifted me on my birthday.

And then using that money my new wife and I traveled all around Europe.

We were on vacation in Switzerland and I went skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am.
Now how do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word in 5 seconds," the woman told him.

"Cool ! Which word?" her husband asked.

"Schizosaccharomycentezea"

Moral of the story: Never anger your wife…dead or alive. There will be Hell even if u r in Heaven!

A Scene in 2020...

Operator: Hello Pizza Shop!

Customer: Hello, can you please take my order?

Operator: Can I have your multi purpose Aadhar card number first, Sir?

Customer: Yeah!
Hold on.....
My number is 889861356102049998-45-54610

Operator: OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 ABC Appartment. Your home number is 40942366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. You are calling from you home number now.

Customer: (Astonished) How did you get all my phone numbers?

Operator: We are connected to the system, Sir.

Customer: I wish to order your Seafood Pizza...

Operator : That's not a good idea Sir.

Customer: How come?

Operator: According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level, sir.

Customer: What?... What do you recommend then?

Operator: Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it.

Customer: How do you know for sure?

Operator : You borrowed a book titled 'Popular Hokkien Dishes' from the National Library last week, sir.

Customer: OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then.

Operator: That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is Rs. 2,450.

Customer: Can I pay by credit card?

Operator: I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank Rs. 1,51,758 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir.

Customer: I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives.

Operator: You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've exhausted even your overdraft limit.

Customer: Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?

Operator: About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle.

Customer: What?

Operator: According to the details in the system, you own a motorcycle registration number 1123.

Customer: "????" (hmmm.. these guys know my motorcyle number too)

Operator: Is there anything else, sir?

Customer: Nothing!...by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?

Operator : We normally would sir, but based on your records, you're also diabetic... In the best interest of your health, we are holding this offer for you.

Customer: teri maa ki ......

Operator: Better mind your language sir. Remember on 15th July 2007 you were imprisoned for 2 months and fined Rs.5,000 for using abusive language against a policeman.

Customer faints...

NEVER LIE TO A SMART WOMAN...

Man on phone: Honey I've been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion.

 

 

 So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod & fishing box. We're leaving from office & I'll swing by the house to pick my things. Oh, Please pack my new blue silk pajamas!

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being a good wife she did exactly as her husband said..

 

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but looking good..

 

The wife welcomed him & asked if he caught many fish?

 

He said "Yes, Lots of Salmon, Blue gill & a few Swordfish. But why didn't u pack my blue silk pajamas?"

 

 

 

You'll love the answer..!!

 

 

 

She says,

 

 

 

"I did.. They're in your fishing box..

 

 

 

Game over..xx..xx..