Presentation does matter.....

Two females were chatting in office.

Woman 1: I had a fine evening, how was yours?

Woman 2: It was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 mins & fell asleep in 2 mins. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house. It was like a fairy tale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work,
Husband 1: How was your evening?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate & fell asleep. What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill; so I took her out for dinner which was so expensive that didn't have money left for a cab.
We walked home which took an hour & when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house!!

Moral: Presentation does matter. No matter what the reality is !!=D

COMPLETELY FINISHED..

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that's easy to understand.

 

Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED. 

 

 

I beg to differ because, there is!!! 

 

When you marry the right woman, you are "COMPLETE".. And when you marry the wrong one, you are "FINISHED"!

 

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ...
"COMPLETELY FINISHED" !

Phone A Friend..

The guy is on his final question for 5 crore on 'Kaun Banega Crorepati', and has one lifeline left, 'Phone A Friend', and the Question was:


"Which Bird does not make a nest?"

1: Sparrow
2: Swallow
3: Blackbird
4: Cuckoo

The guy is not sure, so he calls his girlfriend.

She answers, "Stupid, it's obviously a cuckoo, 100%" and the guy wins.





Later the guy calls his girlfriend, "how the hell did you know that, honey?"





I must say you've got more brains than i credit you for!" And the sweet thing replies:






"Well, u idiot, a cuckoo lives in a clock na!"







"The guy faints

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once..

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

The great question which I have not been able to answer is, "What does a woman want?

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

"I've had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't." The third gave me more children!

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming:
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it.
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once..

You know what I did before I married?? Anything I wanted to.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

Never anger your wife…dead or alive....

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. 

 
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table.

Sitting all around were her parents, some of her best friends and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her.

"Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word in 5 seconds," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled 'Love', and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. I married that sexy young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.

I gave her all your gold jewelry and diamonds.
I sold that diamond studded watch you had gifted me on my birthday.

And then using that money my new wife and I traveled all around Europe.

We were on vacation in Switzerland and I went skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am.
Now how do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word in 5 seconds," the woman told him.

"Cool ! Which word?" her husband asked.

"Schizosaccharomycentezea"

Moral of the story: Never anger your wife…dead or alive. There will be Hell even if u r in Heaven!

A Scene in 2020...

Operator: Hello Pizza Shop!

Customer: Hello, can you please take my order?

Operator: Can I have your multi purpose Aadhar card number first, Sir?

Customer: Yeah!
Hold on.....
My number is 889861356102049998-45-54610

Operator: OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 ABC Appartment. Your home number is 40942366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. You are calling from you home number now.

Customer: (Astonished) How did you get all my phone numbers?

Operator: We are connected to the system, Sir.

Customer: I wish to order your Seafood Pizza...

Operator : That's not a good idea Sir.

Customer: How come?

Operator: According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level, sir.

Customer: What?... What do you recommend then?

Operator: Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it.

Customer: How do you know for sure?

Operator : You borrowed a book titled 'Popular Hokkien Dishes' from the National Library last week, sir.

Customer: OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then.

Operator: That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is Rs. 2,450.

Customer: Can I pay by credit card?

Operator: I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank Rs. 1,51,758 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir.

Customer: I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives.

Operator: You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've exhausted even your overdraft limit.

Customer: Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?

Operator: About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle.

Customer: What?

Operator: According to the details in the system, you own a motorcycle registration number 1123.

Customer: "????" (hmmm.. these guys know my motorcyle number too)

Operator: Is there anything else, sir?

Customer: Nothing!...by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?

Operator : We normally would sir, but based on your records, you're also diabetic... In the best interest of your health, we are holding this offer for you.

Customer: teri maa ki ......

Operator: Better mind your language sir. Remember on 15th July 2007 you were imprisoned for 2 months and fined Rs.5,000 for using abusive language against a policeman.

Customer faints...

NEVER LIE TO A SMART WOMAN...

Man on phone: Honey I've been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion.

 

 

 So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod & fishing box. We're leaving from office & I'll swing by the house to pick my things. Oh, Please pack my new blue silk pajamas!

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being a good wife she did exactly as her husband said..

 

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but looking good..

 

The wife welcomed him & asked if he caught many fish?

 

He said "Yes, Lots of Salmon, Blue gill & a few Swordfish. But why didn't u pack my blue silk pajamas?"

 

 

 

You'll love the answer..!!

 

 

 

She says,

 

 

 

"I did.. They're in your fishing box..

 

 

 

Game over..xx..xx..

SECRET OF A HAPPY MARRIED LIFE...

 

A couple had never fought in 25 years ..
A friend asked the husband - " How do you manage? "

Husband replied - It all started when we went on a honeymoon to south africa for horse-riding... During the horse ride ,the horse my wife was riding jumped and she fell ,she got up ,patted it and said "This is your 1st time !"

After a while ,it happened again.She got up & said "This is your 2nd time" . When it happened the 3rd time she took out a gun and shot it

I shouted at her "Oh MYY GOD! YOU PSYCHO!!!You killed the horse" ..she gave me a grave look & said "This is your 1st time"

Ever since then we've been very happy:(